Hey, my fellow liberals—what on earth happened?
It’s January 6th, and I showed up at the U.S. Capitol, totally amped for our coup. You know, the one we talked about at every Antifa meeting. But… where were you all? Did I miss a memo? Forget to check the group chat?
I was so sure we were doing this. Congress convened, counted the electoral votes, and certified Trump’s win—just like they did four years ago when MAGA folks turned the Capitol into Insurrection Central. I thought it was our turn!
But nope. Nothing. You all ghosted me. Did everyone oversleep, or did you just chicken out?
“Isn’t This, Like, Totally Legal?”
I know some of you were nervous—worried it might be “treason” or “illegal” or “anti-American.” Relax! MAGA already set the precedent: insurrections are now apparently legal and patriotic. Trump himself called the last batch of insurrectionists “hostages” and promised to pardon them.
Sure, those folks broke into the Capitol, assaulted police officers, and screamed about hanging Mike Pence, but they only got in trouble because, well, everything was caught on video. It’s not like MAGA believes in the so-called “rule of law.”
So why wouldn’t the same rules apply to us? If they can get one free coup every four years, why can’t we? Fair is fair, right?
We Had a Plan, People!
And our coup wasn’t going to be a chaotic free-for-all. Oh no, we had this thing organized.
- Coup buddies: Everyone paired up to stay accountable.
- Cleanup crew: Ready to sweep up debris and recycle (we’re not animals).
- Poop policy: Strictly no smearing—because we have standards.
This wasn’t going to be some noisy, violent disaster like last time. We’d peacefully interfere with the transfer of power and later be hailed as heroes. Maybe even record our own version of the national anthem to play at rallies. But nope, you all bailed and left me standing there like a fool.
You Left Me Hanging (Literally)
Picture this: me, alone on the Capitol steps, rocking a horned helmet, blue face paint, and my “Harris/Walz Won! Stop the Steal!” sign. A couple of MAGA dudes laughed at me! I’ve never been so embarrassed.
Now we have to wait four more years to even try again. And who knows—by then, Trump and the GOP might decide coups are bad again.